I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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