Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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