perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
