I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
