I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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