Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
