I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
