To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
