I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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