tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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