My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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