i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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