he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
