So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
