he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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