I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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