Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
