apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im holly from the hills drunk
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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