saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
