We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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