I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
