My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
