They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I am full of burrito and curiosity
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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