Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
