i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
