if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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