Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This is my gift to your gina
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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