Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
