I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
