I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
