Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
