Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
