Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
