and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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