so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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