Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
