We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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