I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i was born a porn star she said
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
