So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
