Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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