all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
