who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
