I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
