If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
