I saw his package. It spoke to me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
