Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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