i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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