Redeem this text for a blowjob
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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