So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
People in love make me want to vomit
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
