u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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