I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
